I have a story to tell

There is just so much I want to tell you...

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 01:40:50 GMT

I want to tell you, that she is the right one for you, and the only reason in the world that I don't belive in the two of you is not because you don't deserve her, but because she never deserved you.

I want to tell you, just how much I cared for you, and how now it feels like saying anything to you is betraying everything inside me that's given up on you.

I want to tell you, that I can't go because I don't want to see you, knowing you see me and not feeling the same thing.

I want you to see me cry to see what I once held in my eyes just for you and for you alone.

All I ever do is complain because I want you...now I'll complain because it's gone,

Everyone whispers sweet nothings in my ear for you, but only you put the butterflies in my stomach once upon a time...

They all had me beliving I was good enough, beliving I had a chance, beliving that someday....you'd realize me.

I just don't know anymore...

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 23:51:48 GMT

I don't know what made me come tonight, I don't know what made me stay.

I don't know what made me sick inside to see you like that, with frustration in your eyes.

I don't know what made turn your way.

I don't know what made me say no, when everything inside me wanted to say yes.

I don't know why after all this time, I can still lose myself looking into your eyes.

I don't know why I can't get you off my mind no matter what I do.

So many things in life are lost to "I don't know"s...

But I do know this:

I will be there waiting.

I will be there hoping.

I will hang in there when things get tough.

I will not give up on you.

"I'll always remember it was late afternoon it lasted forever and ended too soon.You were all by yourself,staring up at a dark gray sky. I was changed. In places no one would find, all your feelings so deep inside It was then that i relized forever was in your eyes.The moment I saw you cry."{Mandy Moore}

I'll tough it out you'll see...

Open your mind...

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:14:22 GMT

Why does no one understand that nothing is perfect, people in themselves are born and breed to make mistakes. We're all different, my sunday school class was all about how no two people can be the same, it is impossible for DNA in two people to combine in the same way.

So why, when people are homosexual or decide to follow another religion do people look down on them, and not try to understand their postion or situation. This I can't tolerate. My entire life I have been sheading sterotypes. I am the daughter of a convict, Does this mean I am a product of a thug? Deemed to forever wander the streets, thinking no better of my self than the sewer rats; selling myself to the highest bidder?? My father is muslim, does this mean that i should be ridiculed and associated with terroists?

Certainly if you saw me on the street, the little niave girl that I am you would never think such a thing. You'd think I was just some girl, a normal girl, you'd have no idea what I've been through and you wouldn't even care.

Will you need me?

Could you need me?

Would you need me?

Do you need me?

Oh how I need you.

Picture a scene...

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 01:28:18 GMT

Picture a scene about more than six months ago. Ten friends decide to have a day of fun. To leave their studies behind and go to the park. Picture these ten friends laughing, joking and piling into two cars. Never ever thinking that this day will stand as a pivotal point in everyones lives. An entire day of fun, winding to a close and just after lunch while heading back to school, driving on the highway, something changed, something went terribly wrong, and suddenly a red van holding seven of these friends rolls over, and over and over again, and again. While three others riding close behind can do nothing but watch.

Picture another scene of a young girl, who knew these friends, and loved these people, a young girl who had heard nothing of this accident. Suddenly finding out that her friends had been in a fatal car accident. And her stuck in the middle of nowhere, trying to find out all that she can. To find names, and numbers and get in touch with people.You'll never know how she felt at that moment, caring so much for the friends she knew were involved but not knowing which ones were hurt. Dreading that it could be him, the one person she never wanted to see hurt. Until she finds a website; listing the names of the people she knows. She reads one by one reconizing every name but one. Until she breaks down and starts to cry, reading the names over and over again desperatly trying to grasp what's going on. One found Dead at the scene, two in critical condition, others in fair condition, one released. It was all too much for her to handle, all too much for her too take. All she wanted was to run, to run away from everything. To be home, to run into her room flop on her bed call her best friend and cry. She was Relived that he was ok, but crushed that another had died, and worried about those who had little chance of ever being the same.

Picture yet another scene, this time in a hospitol, where 268 friends and family have gathered most of them speaking frantically in Bosnian. Trying to figure out if their loved ones will survive and ever be the same. And I can't even begin to describe to you what it would feel like, when a doctor comes out and tells you that your son, only has a 30% chance of living, His brain is so damaged he may never fully recover if he does Survive.

Let's skip to a time a few days after this event a Monday to be exact: we see that same young girl, walking into her first day of school since the tragic death of her friend. Her eyes still hanging on to fresh tears, her heart grieving, her mind dreading not seeing his face in the hallways, and even worse she kept thinking of him. She felt guilty, she was so thankfull that he was ok, when other people were broken because the ones they loved, were gone, or in terrible condition. She sat through the rumors, through the naive people, complaining that people were being fake and that his death wasn't a big deal, she sat through it, held it all in. Until after entering a class already in tears throwing down her books and forcing her head down, trying her hardest not to notice the two empty seats, but knowing full well they wouldn't be filled. Thinking to herself, "He's supposed to be here, but I can't blame him for not coming after everything he's seen." And then when someone behind her carelessly comments "You know he should have been in that car instead..." The anger boiled over, every emotion that had been harbored for the entire morning came spilling out. "Don't you ever say that! I care about him so much, I've liked him for so long. Don't you ever say anything like that!" He recoiled and apologized tried to explain himself in vain but she wasn't listening she had but professed her love for him to a bunch of random people. What was she thinking, but it didn't matter, she just didn't care.

And now, let's picture the next day: Our young girl and a fellow grief stricken friend, walk down the street reminising. And then she sees him and her heart goes out, peeking around her friend straining to get a look, at the one person she had only seen in her dreams, but needed to see in person. And there he was. Sitting in a car eyes obviously puffy and red from tears. It was so uncharacteristic for him to cry, proving that beyond his cocky, self centered facade, he had a heart. A heart she knew was there all along, and seeing it would change her FOREVER.

Now lets fast forward, to this date. Every person involved in the tragic events now out of the hospitol, most of them back at school, A person once given a 50% chance of living now back to normal. Another, who was thought to be so damaged that He would never be able to lead a normal life again, back at school, still struggling to regain where he was before, but likely to graduate with his class, something no one thought possible. And our young girl you may ask, still dreaming of him of course...because she fell in love with the way he looks at her, because she saw him cry, and because she wants to show him real love.

Futbol...

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 03:19:56 GMT

I have school spirit. My personal favorite sport however is Soccer. As I stand in the freezing cold screaming and cheering. I wonder where all these people will be in ten years. Some of them have a future in Soccer. Some will be off in Europe some day playing in the big leauges no doubt forgeting that they ever knew me. I don't want to be forgotten.

And then they make a goal, and the adrenaline pumping through them and now me as I jump up and down praising their acomplishment. sitting for two hours in the freezing cold to watch them win the trophy...It was worth it. Horrible refferies, yellow cards and all. But it was worth it. Just to watch them win. It was worth it just to watch him play. His girlfriend is less than twenty steps away from me, and yet I could care less. Because, I know that it won't last; because I know that I care about him just as much as she says she does; and because I know that no matter how hard I try, that twinkle in my eye, just won't go away.

To think you could be so in love with someone, because of the way the look at you. I care about you so much, It broke my heart to see you cry. And I will never be the same.

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 22:17:58 GMT

Have you ever wondered if you're special, if for some reson people think of you differently. I often ponder this wonder if. There is someone out there trying to be me. If there is someone who is better at being me than I am.

I attend a fairly big high school, It's easy to lose yourself emoung the masses, every single person in these hallways, have something different on their mind. Each wth their own specific problems, insecurites, desires and stories. I am going to post mine here.